I have been reading Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad; I am still involved in Part 1 but have stumbled upon a thought that has aligned itself with some of my attention. Lately I have been going through, pardon the cliche, the motions at work. I cannot seem to fully invest myself the way I have done in past years. I have considered my trade a challenge and for the sake of the enjoyment I get when the sweat beads on my forehead I have worked hard. I have created smiles from thin air and I have satisfied inquisitive minds all for the benefit of my own. I do not mean to extol my work in a manner which is undeserved but it has meant a lot, to me. This thought brings me to a quote from Heart of Darkness in which Charles Marlow is speaking into the blackness,
"I had rather laze about and think of all the fine things that can be done. I don't like work--no man does--but I like what is in the work--the chance to find yourself. Your own reality--for yourself, not for others--what no other man can ever know. They can only see the mere show, and never can tell what it really means."
This statement not only creates such a solitary idea of an individuals personal journey but also forces me to admit that I had previously and possibly arrogantly thought that I was alone in thinking such similar things.
My tasks at work which once were a challenge in which I tried my best to conquer, even in the smallest of details, have become quite monotonous and displeasing to my soul. I feel as if my time in this position has run its course and a new challenge must be risked. I must move forward and not tread in this exhausted state in which I am no longer fulfilling or contributing to my quest of understanding.
What an incredible idea that part of my journey is over.
