shaq started playing for the magic when I was nine years old and did so for four years until I was 12. it was when I was 12 I stopped caring about basketball and baseball cards. I think it had something to do with middle school. middle school was a tough time for me. I was a happy kid and then all at once reality began to set in. I could no longer be myself because I didn't know who I was. why was I worrying about who I was? it was like my brain had been breached with a disease. I no longer could befriend the next door neighbor and hangout in the front yard jumping bicycles over a makeshift ramp. all of a sudden I had to befriend the next door neighbor and try to bang his sister. there was competition and hormones. i had a friend tell me I was gay because I asked him to "play". the funny thing was he turned out to be gay. naturally, remembering back on the moment I can't help but think he was condlfused about what that word meant. so innocence quickly declined, and rightfully so given the circumstances. everyday I walked through those doors hoping to survive. middle school was where the titty twister was invented. I know it was invented there because there is no other logical place it could have originated. there were at least four hundred of us guys and we all had swollen puberty glands in our nipples. there would be talk about masturbation an spanking the monkey. these tales just now entering our brains were unknown until now. it was as if we had become enlightened by shit. most likely these boyish conversations were sparked as a result of some of the kids having older brothers. I only say this because I spent the sixth grade pretending to know what spanking the monkey was. I was the eldest and I certainly couldn't have asked my father. fashion suddenly became important. I remember going clothes shopping in anticipation of the new school year and my father took me to Ross. this may have been my first adult shopping experience. I picked out some great clothes that fit well, the t-shirts had great looking logos. within a few months I was begging my parents for name brand shirts and wearing my moms jeans because mine fit correctly. I started cursing. this whole time I could see my old self slipping away but I couldn't do anything about it. I was too worried about social survival. I didn't want to be noticed, I just didn't want to be picked on. there was a vast majority of Hispanic kids at tuskawilla middle school and I having never been exposed to much of the hispanic culture that these people quickly make themselves feel at home. I always looked up to the puerto rican kids because they were always dressed cool and talked fast and loud. I heard stories about Edmund kissing Tina Bloodgood and when he did so she lifted her leg like in the movies. i wanted to dress like and fit in with these kids but I was severely torn between two worlds. I had an act to keep up at home too. things weren't the best at school and I was caught in this weird growing up stage and my family started really getting involved with the church. I had never minded church before. my family had always gone on Sunday's to community alliance. this was a small place for middle class families and friends were easily made so that every Sunday was an event. i must mention that by event I mean people smiled similar to how they did at funerals. as if it was time to kill my innocence altogether and all at once my parents decide to change churches. the family joined faith assemblies of god over on goldenrod. my sister and I would see who could see the steeple first every Sunday morning on the drive in. i didnt know it yet but the future had us playing this game sunday morning, evening and wesnesdays. wednesdays are important because it's the middle of the week. i digress, there was a twisty treat soft serve ice cream shop a block before the church and my sister and I would always hope for ice cream after service and occasionally my dad would deliver. this new church was much larger than what I had seen before. there were hundreds of people and a solid two hundred kids. kids that though versed in the bible would not hesitate to make you feel like an outsider. I would choose to stay and hear the adult sermons with my parents because I could not bear to be with the savage Christian kid crew in the youth group. I was still just beginning to be exposed to the world an I experienced it's horror within the walls of the church, deep in the sanctuary. then I had an epiphany having started to see the world as it really was I came to a conclusion. the only was to survive is by trusting in god. I needed to give up myself and Jesus would take on the burden of my sins and ease the rejection and insecurities that were tormenting me. Jesus called me and I followed. if I was going to grow up, what better way than as a solider for the lord.
Matt Duke
